Deepest Secrets

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K/S Fanfiction
Title: “Deepest Secrets”
Author(s): Shelley Butler
Date(s): 1994
Length: 56 pages
Genre: slash
Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series
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“Deepest Secrets” is a Kirk/Spock story by Shelley Butler.

It was published in the print zine First Time #40 10/1994.


From zine summary: “Spockʼs odd behavior, and Kirkʼs erotic dreams of his first officer, cause problems while the two men are on a diplomatic mission to Orion.”


“Beneath him, the hazel eyes glow in fear. The only sounds in the unreal quiet are the wet slapping of bodies and the grunts uttered in cadence with each violent thrust. The body beneath him writhes and twists, but each movement only incites him more. He must claim the human to quench his fire. “You...are...mine!” The voice speaks from somewhere, the words punctuating each push of his hips. Deeper. Deeper. He must go deeper. He must quench the terrible fires burning in his loins. Like a bright candle carried through the brooding darkness of his ancestral home, the flame illuminates his shameful passion. He must snuff it out. There must be no light.”

Reactions and Reviews

There were several things that disturbed me about this story. First, what were aphrodisiacs doing being served at a diplomatic gathering? Second, wouldn’t two male Vulcans run from an unbonded male in pon farr? Third, would polite, considerate Spock tell them to go f-k themselves, even in pon farr? This last was so out of character that it left a pall over what was otherwise a good story, Even if the Vulcans were offering to help a fellow Vulcan through this time, Spock's response was too extreme. [1]
This is a wonderful pon farr story from Kirk’s POV, I love the idea that Kirk and Spock are so naturally attuned well before they ever become lovers, that Kirk is so open he would pick up Spock's psychic emanations. These are extraordinary people.

Plenty of signature Shelley Butler hot purple scenes in Kirk’s dreams, especially including when he is dreaming Spock’s dream. Beginning the story with this scene certainly grabs us in.

Then there is the story of their attending a second Babel Conference, where the Neo-Orions are seeking admission. Well, they'll never forget this mission. As if the Orion's nefarious intentions weren’t enough, Spock has to be going through pon farr, and firing Kirk up along with him.

There is, at first, uneasiness between Kirk and Spock—Kirk’s uncontrollable feelings/desires; Spock’s uptightness, This is a common, easily accepted premise, that Spock would feel he must keep the truth about himself to himself; that Kirk at first would feel his wild desires for Spock unacceptable.

I like the little trickles of Spock’s thoughts that pop into Kirk’s mind. And I love the depiction of how Spock acts out of sorts, especially the scene at the conference when the other Vulcans are sniffing around him like dogs in heat. A not-to-be-missed line by Spock; for some reason this made me just want to ravish him, since Kirk was standing there too stupefied to do so.

Kirk’s contemplations [sic] of the dreams seemed out of order. After the second dream he is said to think of them as an “it”, i.e., one dream. It seems this is premature. He had had the first dream, a sexual one, then the second, wherein he was captured by Orions (nothing Spock-specific or overtly sexual in this one). So that, at this point, right after the second dream, Kirk’s musing on his sexual attraction to Spock doesn't work, because only the first dream (days before?) was a sexual one with Spock; the second was a totally other thing he probably wouldn't connect at all with the first dream.

Just a little later, however, after the third dream, the explanation of the “continuing saga” of the dreams does make sense, as does his acknowledging the obvious being brought to his attention in the dreams: his attraction to Spock. In a couple places, it wasn't clear to me whether Kirk actually clearly remembered the dreams, or just the essences of them.

The most beautiful parts of the story for me were Kirk's realizations of his challenge—to explore certain facets of his sexuality, and his loneliness. These were exquisite, defining moments, very soul-essential stuff. “All he had to do was yield”, and there would be no more loneliness, emptiness, longing. Surrender is an important and beautiful thing for him to learn.

All the characters were vividly portrayed. Especially Braxxis, the swaggering Neo-Orion.

(Speaking of whom, how could Kirk talk with an Orion cock stuffed in his mouth?) I won't say exactly what happens, but it’s a lively capture/rescue scene. And Kirk is at his best, even stark-naked (or is that, especially stark-naked?) at turning the tables. At the same time, I was glad it was a quick jeopardy-scene and resolution, looking forward as I was to what was still in store for us.

I love the immediate sex. Totally wonderful, intense pon farr sex. I love that Kirk knows the need himself; they truly share the passion of pon farr. I love the idea that their mental link can be just as strong as a Vulcan-Vulcan mating. Lots of beautiful, lofty sentiment. And really nice, sexy (as opposed to kitten, silly, or macho-buddy) teasing at the end. [2]
Recently I bought in a used zine sale the zine FIRST TIME 40. It has your story DEEPEST SECRETS. I just want to let you know how much I enjoy and loved it. I know you are a Kirk lover like me, so I began to read it knowing I was going to enjoy every part of it. And I REALLY, REALLY ENJOY IT! I love the way you write Kirk. The confident commander but at the same time a vulnerable and sensual man who isn't afraid that Spock takes the dominant role in their love making.

I love how Spock's dreams got into Jim's mind. And my God what a dreams!!!!! Actually I read the story as if there where two stories. First, Lord Spock and his sensual slave, James, and then Jim and Spock in the Babel conference. And the creation of Braxxis, what a clever, dangerous and evil man!!! I love your description of his eyes. Certainly they were very terrifying and lascivious. That's another thing I love about how you write Jim, not only you said what is happening, but also what he is feeling, specially with the dreams. How he's feeling terrified and aroused all in that dreamlike quality. I enjoy that technique a lot. And to know what what's Jim DEEPEST SECRET : that he loves Spock...WOW!!!! What a wonderful and clever use of the title and the love between our boys! If it's not presumptuous of my part, I didn't like just two things. First, I didn't understand why the Vulcans, Starrm, Slorak and the Andorian Lady Zolonus acted so horny when they were near Spock in the middle of the conference. Was that because they feel that Spock was in Pon Farr? I think their attitude was a little rude and unbelievable, especially for persons so private like Vulcans and for diplomats. And second, I think Jim waited too much in the story to understand that Spock was in Pon Farr. Taking into account how he reacted in “Amok Time” when Spock acts angry and raised his voice to him, I couldn’t believe that in this story, when Spock said to him in a very angry voice: "I said Captain that I am not hungry. Must I repeat myself?", that he didn't realize that Spock was in Pon Farr. And that after Spock is acting in a strange behaviour the whole conference and after he tried to choke Braxxis for his lascivious behaviour towards Jim. But aside from those two things, I LOVE YOUR STORY. The dreams sequence were VERY, VERY hot and sensual. They put me to sweat!! And finally the love scene between them was so beautiful, especially when Spock said: "Jim. Jim of my dreams" brought tears to my eyes. The love between them was palpable in each page of the story, even if it took awhile for Jim to realize it.

So, thank you very much Shelley for writing such a beautiful story. Thanks for bringing me such a wonderful moment reading it. It was almost like seeing one of the TV episodes! [3]


  1. from Come Together #13 01/1995
  2. Come Together #12 12/1994
  3. from The K/S Press #72