But Where Is Home?

Fanfiction
Title:	But Where Is Home?
Author(s):	Mary Suskind Lansing
Date(s):	1986
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:	at AO3
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But Where Is Home? is a Kirk/Spock story by Mary Suskind Lansing.

It was published in the print zine Consort #2.

Summary

"Unable to feel emotions, but remembering the bond, Spock is willing to “service” his bondmate but Kirk begins to believe that he will have to let Spock go rather than continue this way."

Reactions and Reviews

This is a short story, barely ten pages long. But in it, the author effectively deals with the aftermath of Genesis, and realistically answers the reasons for Kirk and Spock's behavior in the fourth movie. It starts with Kirk's feelings of sorrow and helplessness.

He and Spock have been bonded for several years when Spock dies, and after the fal tor pan, Kirk helps his bondmate retrieve his memories of their time together. But that's all they are. Memories. There is no emotional resonance for Spock. Finally, as they are leaving Vulcan to return to Earth, Kirk releases Spock from their relationship.

The first part of the story is in Kirk's POV, but then picks up after their mission to Earth's past for the whales, in Spock's. It really works, because now you see the other side of the coin, as Spock's emotions reawaken. The problem is, is he in time? He sees Kirk with Gillian and wonders if he's lost his bondmate's love.

The POV switches back to Kirk and then again to Spock as both men confront and decide what is most important to them, what each is willing to do to be with the one they love.

The story ends as Spock answers Sarek's question as to what message to give his mother. There's no sex in this story, but now you have a pretty good idea that, after Kirk and Spock walk off together, it's probably next.

This story is set behind the scenes of the fourth and fifth movies. Spock's mind is back in his body, but his emotions are nowhere to be found, something that Kirk is finding more and more difficult to take. Seven weeks have passed and while Spock remembers that he and Kirk were bondmates, he has no emotional connection to those memories or to Kirk. And Kirk is at his breaking point.

With time running out, Kirk decides to make one final effort. He goes to Spock and asks that they make love. Spock agrees; it is, after all, his obligation to his bondmate. But the experience is a disaster. In defeat, Kirk agrees to let Spock go. His pain is palpable as he releases the man he still loves. But its a pain he will not allow Spock to see as he strengthens his mental shields and walks away. The story then jumps to their trip to the past for the whales. It's clear that Spock's emotions are coming to life in his annoyance with McCoy's chatter. Kirk has gone off to try to persuade Gillian to help them—alone. But Spock doesn't want to talk about it, though he still maintains that if Kirk wishes to terminate their relationship he will not stop him. By the time the ship is back in its own time, Spock's emotions have completely awakened, and he now regrets his earlier behavior, especially after seeing Kirk kiss Gillian. He's now determined to fight for Kirk. He only hopes it's not too late. But Kirk has no intentions of being with Gillian. He admires the woman for so easily adjusting to her new life, but he still loves Spock. And after what Spock had just done, standing at his side, ready to take whatever punishing the Federation hands out, Kirk is willing to wait for however long it takes for Spock to want him again. As Gillian takes her leave, Kirk turns and sees Spock approaching his father. And just for a moment, his mental shields slip. It's all that's needed for Spock to realize that Kirk is still his. And as he responds to his father's question, his words are for parent and bondmate. "Tell her I feel fine."

It's a lovely story that shows Kirk's heartache without getting maudlin. Kirk may be in great pain, but he's still the man he's always been—strong, courageous and willing to stand whatever he must in order to make things right. I can't recommend it enough.