Bill & Dave: No Holds Barred!

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Zine
Title:	Bill & Dave: No Holds Barred!
Publisher:	Extortion Press (North Carolina) (Bill Hupe or Peg Kennedy agented/distributed this zine for the publishers)
Editor(s):	David N. Allen and William C. Mullis
Date(s):	May 1992
Series?:
Medium:	print
Size:
Genre:
Fandom:	multimedia & Star Trek: TNG
Language:	English
External Links:
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front cover

back cover

flyer in the 1992 catalog by Bill Hupe

Bill & Dave: No Holds Barred! is a gen multimedia (with an emphasis on Star Trek: TNG) fanzine anthology.

It contains 48 pages (dense, dense, single-spaced type) of short stories, articles, cartoons in the following fandoms: Star Trek: TOS, Star Trek: TNGStar Wars, Dragnet/MacBeth, Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who, and Cthulhu Mythos.

It has the subtitle: "An Anthology of Literature and Commentary by Star Trek Fandom's Depraved Duo."

The art is not individually credited, so it is difficult to know who did what. The artists are: Linda Cody, Tim Gillespie, Ray Lambert, Lauri McAdams, Ken Mitchroney, Mark Cline, and Matt Evans.

Description

From Bill Hupe's catalog: "This is a humor zine that takes an acerbic look at ST:TNG: Reviews written for university newspapers are most of the material, Bill and Dave prove the pen is mightier than the sword at cutting to the quick. These guys know their humor is cutting, but it's in good taste and should not offend anyone."

Some Content Was Previously Printed

[From the zine]: Portions of this material were seen in one form or another from 1986 to 1992 in either the Carolina Communicator or All Ahead Warp Factor One. An occasional piece first appeared in either Smiley's Magazine or For the Sake of Argument, sections published in the CarolinAPA by Mr. Mullis and myself respectively. Dum Spiro, Spero, Requiem for the Dark of Night, Ogre, Ogre, Burning Blight, and How to Survive a Monster Hunt appear here for the first time. Previously published material has been edited a bit more severely than when first published, and minor rewrites may have been instituted in the case of certain pieces that weren't quite as funny in broad daylight, with eight hours of sleep the night before.

Dum Spiro, Spero and Requiem for the Dark of Night are the writers' forays into the realm of serious (i.e. non-humorous) writing. Be forewarned, the writers are notoriously touchy about unlearned and trivial criticism of their serious work. The funny stuff is meant to offend people and we offer no apology, and neither ask nor give quarter (dollars we'll talk about).

The various cartoons found throughout are generally a collaboration of myself and an artist, with the artist illustrating my punchline and me punching the artist to get the work out of him. The only exception to this is Linda Cody, who had to be sent to bed under duress when she was working. Oh yes, the Ken Mitchroney cartoons (like R2 on this page) are all Ken's work. He did them for me back in 1980 for StellarCon V. They were funny then; they're funny now. Tim Gillespie's Popeye cartoon is also all his doing, and hopefully I will have gotten his permission to use it when this thing is printed.

The Disclaimer and Copyright Notice

Bill and Dave: No Holds Barred is a publication of Extortion Press, contents copyright ©1992 by David Allen and Bill Mullis. All rights reserved. No portion of this magazine may be reproduced by any means mechanical, chemical, anecdotal, electronic, xerographic, psychic, or psychotic. If you want to reproduce, go get a girl for crying out loud. Sex with a Xerox machine? Jeez, what are you, some kind of sicko? If you want to reproduce any part of this magazine for your own use, ask permission. Those of you planning on copying our material for use in your own zine without asking permission should be guided by the question; Do I want to suck food through a straw in my navel for the rest of my life? Bear in mind that we have friends in the L.A.P.D. Be advised that, while the authors are notorious for their liberal viewpoints, they are money-grubbing, neo-fascist capitalists when it comes to cash. Be concerned with Kindly Old Dr. Bill's penchant for rusty dental instruments. Be aware of Mr. Allen's unnatural fondness for chipmunks (roasted over a slow flame, especially Alvin). One-Adam-12, be on the lookout for stolen Yugo. Suspect should be considered extremely stupid. No warranty is expressed or implied, or even thought about, for that matter. You should operate heavy machinery while reading this magazine. This product complies with all applicable O.S.H.A. regulations concerning the safe storage of predatory ear mites. This publication is safety-sealed for your protection. If the tamper-resistant seals show signs of tampering, they didn't work very well, did they? Discontinue use if a rash appears or massive coronary occurs. Caution: Should not be read at the same time as Mad Magazine, especially since Mad really bites big wangers nowadays (somebody kill Duck Edwing, PLEASE!). Extortion Press is in no way affiliated with the Mafia. (But then again, we would say that, wouldn't we.) This magazine good for SI.00 off your next purchase of a strategic nuclear warhead of 20 megatons or greater. Warning: Product is highly carcinogenic, but only if eaten. So, what the hell are you doing EATING this magazine instead of reading it? (God, some people.) Money-back guarantee if we are not entirely delighted with your money. No user-serviceable parts inside. This publication has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, which just goes to show you how stupid they are if they can't tell a magazine from a movie. Underage crustaceans not allowed without a parent or liberal coating of butter. This magazine is legal tender for all debts, public and private, if you can find some sucker willing to accept it. Management cannot be held responsible for any injury, psychosis or hairy palms resulting from the perusal of this literature. This publication made possible by a grant from Charter Psychiatric Hospitals of America, who figure it will be good for business. Material contained herein may be deemed unsuitable for impressionable perverts; dominatrix discretion is advised. Any resemblance between people portrayed in these stories and actual people, would indicate that the actual people should get a life. Void where prohibited by law, but only if you want to get arrested. Comments, criticisms, and complaints should be kept to yourselves. Toadying praise, business proposals, marriage proposals, lewd proposals, lewd business proposals (Please include an outline stating the number of participants expected, preferred lubricant and position. Attach diagrams as needed.) and money to Extortion Press...

Dave's Foreword

The main burning question that one must ask oneself when one has embarked on a notorious literary effort such as this is, of course: Why? Being the consummate smartass that I am, the answer is obviously: Why not? As you can well imagine, with an attitude such as this, my rough time at the hands of nuns in Catholic School or my subsequent six-year stint in a military school, should come as a surprise to no one.

The second question that one must ask oneself is: Do we let our relatives read this libelous literary lark and thus confirm all of their deepest suspicions about our moral character and sanity? Having been disinherited years ago by all my relations with even two food stamps to rub together, this is not a question that bears much concern.

This brings us to the third and most important question: Why should you buy this magazine? Given the fact that most people do not bother to read wordy introduction pieces until after they have bought the magazine, this would seem more your problem than mine. Consider that the only reason you are reading this now is because you are stuck in the bathroom with a choice of this or the ingredient list on a tube of Crest, while I, on the other hand, having spent your hard-earned money, am probably reading The Lord of the Rings for the tenth time.

So on to other questions, like: Why should I read this tripe? Well, if you are a relative, it is out of fear that you might be quizzed about it at the next Christmas dinner. Thus you can skim through this in hopes of coming up with a semi-appropriate remark which would indicate at least a good-faith effort, thus avoiding my undying enmity and predilection toward having your houses broken into and redecorated by a color blind interior decorator named Brucie. Then again, reading this will give you lots to say at the commitment hearing.

If you are a total stranger, you are probably a Star Trek fan and should read this because it's funny, dammit! You hold in your hand the compilation of over ten years worth of humour painstakingly crafted for your enjoyment.

So what are you standing there for? Enjoy it already!

Bill's Foreword

Long ago, three decades ago in fact, I learned to love the written word. I don't remember when or where I first realised that love, and it doesn't matter now, I suppose, but I have no memory of a time when I wasn't fascinated by the way letters were put together to make words, and words were added to words to make sentences, and .... You get the picture.

Notice the emphasis is on words, not stories. I didn't really discover the story until college, when I saw the phrase "The Lord of the Rings" on a book cover and thought. Anybody who comes up with a title like that knows enough about putting words together to be worth reading. Sol bought The Fellowship of the Ring, and the rest of the saga, and read it, and my eyes, as they say in the industry, were opened. Soon after that I began writing myself. (Writing myself. I remember several English teachers who would be offended at that syntactic gaffe. But I think I'll keep it. After all, what does a writer write but himself? Every word that finds a home in some semi-permanent medium is a piece of the soul that penned, chiseled, or typed it.)

But I've never really gotten the hang of writing stories. So you won't find, among my solo work, any grippingly-plotted, gut-wrenching action-adventure. (I leave that to Dave.) What you'll find are pieces of my experience and glimpses of the way I view the world.

Some of it's funny. Some of it isn't. Some of it's very good. Some, alas, mediocre. (I tried to cull out as much of the mediocre as I could, but I make no claims of objectivity.) At any rate, I think you'll enjoy what you read here. I only hope you enjoy it enough to justify the exorbitant price we've charged you for the opportunity.

By the way, Dave's stuff is pretty good, too.

P.S. David told me that this foreword wound up a little short, so I have to add an extra sentence. After looking at it, it still isn't long enough, so I guess I'll have to add yet another sentence in order to pad out the length. There, that works out just about right.

Contents

• Editorials (1)
• Really Important Information, Honest (about the zine and some of its content being published previously) (2)
• Dragonet by Bill Mullis and David Allen (a MacBeth/Dragnet fusion, written in 1984, in the style of Dragnet, proving that MacBeth was not guilty) (3)
• Metalinguaphysics: A Preliminary Report by either Bill or Dave (first printed in the June 1991 issue of All Ahead Warp Factor One) (7)
• a letter from the law offices of "Scrooge, Marley, & Cratchit" which evicts Sherlock Holmes from 221B Baker Street for being a poor tenant (8)
• A Detailed Study of Typographic Misadventure as it Relates to Id-ionic Decay by Dr. David Allen, Chairman, Dept. of Neo-Natal Geriatric Sciences, Miskatonic University, Arkham, Mass. (9)
• How to Survive a Monster Hunt by Dr. David Von Allen, Department of Extra-Curricular Activities, Transylvania State University, Romania (12)
• Ogre, Ogre, Burning Bright by David Allen (fusion with Cthulhu) (15)
• Meanwhile, Below Decks by David Allen (commentary on Star Trek: The Next Generation) (originally appeared in a November/December issue of Carolina Communicator, year not specified) (17)
• I Saw Mommy Kissing a Strange-Looking Elf and Other Christmas Tales by Bill Mullis and David Allen (this elf is Spock) (19)
• a page of satirical classified ads (25)
• Degenderization Now, Degenderization Tomorrow, Degenderization Forever! by Bill Mullis (written in negative response to the rise of the use of "Ms." and the revision of the Bible to remove references to a male God: "Language must change in order to grow. But intentionally mucking around with it is analogous to our mucking around with the environment.") (26)
• Dum Spiro, Spero by Bill Mullins, written in 1989, original fiction (30)
• Requiem for the Dark of Night by David Allen ("Just to avoid any comments: The following story in no way reflects the author's views about women. He finds women to be delightful creatures with which he looks forward to a long relationship. He just wanted to suggest an answer to an old mystery.") (31)
• It Happened One Day on Keneberrus IV by David Allen (Doctor Who fic) (32)
• Operation: Whitecloud by David Allen and Bill Mullis, a story told in memos (first printed in an issue of the Carolina Communicator) (Star Trek: TOS) (36)

• various observations (culled from mini-reviews over the past three years) regarding the quality of Star Trek: The Next Generation (41)
• 100% Pure Unadulterated Filler (photo montage of fans, celebrities, and cats) (44)
• Stop Before I Filk Again (45)

Sample Interior Gallery

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Reactions and Reviews

At $7.50 plus postage, this zine's more than worth its weight in paper, but by no means will it be many a reader's cup of tea. The zine's about half ST-TNG commentary and Star Trek fiction, with some Sherlock Holmes, monsters, and original material rounding out the issue; and the ST:TNG material is not fiction. Usually a combination like this will make most people pass over this title, but it should at least be considered. Why? "Dragonet": Take Macbeth's scenario and transplant Dragnet to the middle ages. The report on Metalinguaphysics has more weasel words in one page than I can find in many scientific articles. Then, Sherlock Holmes' eviction letter from 221-B Baker Street is uncovered. Follows is an article in typographic errors that belongs in J(ournal) I(rreproduceable) R(esults), as well as an article on "How to Survive a Monster Hunt" (and really bad dead teenager films). If you haven't figured it out yet, Bill and Dave does not take itself seriously. However, these twisted individuals have a stranglehold on humor, refusing to stoop to the bathroom variety. In "Meanwhile, Below Decks..." Star Trek: The Next Generation is reviewed and filleted with a surgeon's scalpel. They sum up ST:TNG in the creation of their own episode: acerbic, on target, and even for a fan of the show, I was not in the slightest offended. (Example: Wesley is reduced to an ensign suffering delayed puberty and raging hormones.) And to provide equal time, we are then flipped to Classic Trek, City of the Edge of Whatever, and Better Ruins and Dead Civilizations Magazine. We are then given a reality check with some short non-genre material before the bureaucratic Starfleet nonsense in the "Search for TP"; and finally, more filet-o-TNG. Plus, a fast dose of filks and a bit of Dr. Who, and a page of out-of-this-world ads.