Beginnings: In Retrospect

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	Beginnings: In Retrospect
Author(s):	Harriet Stallings and Jennifer Ferris
Date(s):	1980
Length:
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
External Links:	first page
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Beginnings: In Retrospect is a Kirk/Spock story by Harriet Stallings and Jennifer Ferris.

It was published in Galactic Discourse #3.

Reactions and Reviews

Kirk and Spock spend a shore leave in a cabin in the Canadian winter, agonizing over their declaration of mutual love and what that means to each. They don’t actually seem to resolve anything, and despite a few pleasant scenes, the story gets tedious as Spock worries about his own protectiveness of Kirk and Kirk keeps wondering if Spock means sex when he says love. Ends with them on the new ship after V’ger, each still wondering what they are to each other.

This is, I think, a K/S story rather than pre-K/S even if our heroes do not immediately head for bed. In fact not leaping there is the whole point. Sex is the last consideration for Spock dealing with his Vulcanness and Jim dealing with an unexpected declaration of love. This story is about the difficulties, the sometimes irreconcilable differences between a Captain and his second in creating a relationship and the heroic (Jenna’s definition, see previous issue) decision to go ahead anyway. This is a very carefully considered work with a

restrained style, which matches the mood of the characters. Spock must face head on his divided self. The pull of Vulcan against human threatens to overwhelm him unless he can find a resolution. He does. Step by careful step he moves to put this into words. Finally he tells Jim, “I have found that I can love...I love you.”

Jim is startled. This is unexpected (the setting is the third season, I would estimate) but not unwelcome. Definitely not. We see Kirk’s careful exploration of his feelings. Love is far too important to rush and sex is not a major issue. Kirk worries briefly “what if I can’t?” but this is love and this is Spock and anyway the problem becomes insignificant as divides open between them.

The background events to the story (which are not detailed in full) are that Kirk has again risked his life in what Spock considers a foolhardy manner. As First Officer he can think this but as lover who realises that Kirk means everything to him, he is tempted to do something about it—to endanger Kirk’s command. Kirk knows this and it only triggers his recklessness or is it command necessity?

The plot of the story (such as it is) takes place in a cabin during the snows of a Canadian winter, an often used setting but one which integrates action and emotion perfectly. Their lives in the cabin on a shore leave are a miniature of the conflicts to come in the wider world. Spock for example cannot adjust to the cold but he is unwilling to confess this. He worries about Jim who seems to revel in it and to save Kirk from frostbite slips outside to complete the day’s log chopping and gets a large splinter in his wrist.

Jim loves the exhilaration and skiing and Spock, wanting to share that enthusiasm goes with him. Kirk finds that there are some things that cannot be shared. Spock hates the wind and cold but still skis better than he does. Spock’s broody protectiveness finally prompts Jim to say, “I can’t love you under these ‘rules’ we seem to have found.” Yet they still take that heroic step. Spock says, “There is no answer.” Jim replies, “Of course there is. We just have to find it.” How like him! But he’s wrong.

They leave the cabin with all the divisions that lead to Gol in place although neither knows it. The narrative breaks at this point and resumes after V’ger when Kirk finally unpacks in his cabin. The intervening events are not recounted but are unnecessary since STTMP has covered the essential ground. Kirk takes in his new quarters and reflects on the past. He is ‘more scared than ever’ and in his mind asks Spock if he is ‘as frightened as I am?’

The viewpoint transfers to Spock—a still divided Spock whose Vulcan half has failed him. To himself, Spock says, ‘Can I mean more to him than all this?’ (the ship) and ‘can I ask again to mean as much?’ Here the story ends, although the reader knows that they will again take that heroic step and that this time all will be well. (There is a sequel, in fact, in Galactic Discourse 4 but it feels forced and I believe was only written under persuasion.)

I’m very fond of this story. It isn’t long, it doesn’t have hectic action nor hectic emotions, instead it faces up to the very real problems that two such difficult and dangerous personalities would have. Kirk and Spock may have enormous capacity to love but there are equally the same capacities to hurt each other. (Although I could never agree with Augusta Elton who declared that each would be the other’s destruction!) The fact that they finally overcome (maturing considerably in the process) is the joy of the story.