All These Years

Fanfiction
Title:	All These Years
Author(s):	Angelfish
Date(s):	2006
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	The Professionals
Relationship(s):	Bodie/Doyle
External Links:	online at the Circuit Archive
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All These Years is a Professionals slash story written by Angelfish.

It may be the third story written by the author.

The story sometimes appears on fans' Desert Island lists.

One reviewer's summary: "Family echoes from Doyle's past have some unforeseen consequences on both Bodie and Doyle."

Another summary: "CI5 agent Ray Doyle has received what should be an innocuous invitation from his artist sister, who he hasn’t seen in some years, to her first London exhibition. And with that invitation, Doyle’s carefully constructed world is slowly, but surely, crumbling away. He begins to act increasingly odd -- making tiny, potentially fatal mistakes on the job, apparently wandering all unknowing into a gay pub, and suffering blackouts."

Reactions/Reviews

Fancy being scoured out and reborn by a fic? Well, then this'll do it for you. There's something about this writer's style and talent as a story-teller that just draws you in and sweeps you along. She *does* take a reader to some unexpected and dark corners - when I saw where she was going in this one with Bodie and Doyle's sister, my heart went to my throat. And the whole middle section when Doyle is just floundering, seemingly abandoned by Bodie, just had me clenching my teeth. But it's the beauty of her writing, the breathless free-flowing style of her word choices that just leaves me shaking my head going *damn* sometimes, it makes me trust her somehow. She nails emotions, feelings, observations, etc so perfectly and uniquely - just read the first sexual encounter between the two in this story. So much emotional pain from Doyle, so much lump-in-the-throat generosity and self-denial from Bodie. The tension, the love, the pain and the tenderness all leap off the page. I do not always agree with the choices she makes - in this one, the pass that Murphy makes at Doyle and Ann Holly's brief reappearance both seemed superfluous, but these are minor detractions for me. She pulled me into her CI5 world, and held my hand while I squinted through my fingers at times. But I loved every second of it. And the ending? All I will say is that this is one writer who *knows* how to end a story...

I found this story so beautifully written no word seemed superfluous to me, the language was real and oh the ending ... Except that bit about not making old bones, found that too sad, I really like to believe they do go on and on and on together. What the hell they always save the day, don't they.

I had a hard time choosing between Angelfish's three archived stories. I wound up choosing this one because it's the longest. (I did warn you in the beginning that would weigh heavily in my decision-making process!) Angelfish has been getting a lot of attention lately, and rightly so. She is a writer of rare perception and elegance. This story features attributes which often give readers trouble—an original character that factors heavily in the action, child abuse of a canonical character and an oddly downbeat ending. I love it though! Love, love, love it. The scene in the garage between Bodie, Ray and Kat is engrained in my psyche. I couldn't believe it when Angelfish told me more folks didn't get her pieta moment. See if you recognize it. Yum!

There's a Pros fic -- All These Years -- by a writer named Angelfish. In the fic the Doyle character has a (non-canon) background of having been horribly, systematically abused as a child, and I thought a lot of it was very well handled. The damage the character had sustained was buried beneath a super-capable exterior, and the only real sign of it was his inability to accept intimacy. But circumstances trigger all those old memories, and he begins to unravel. It's pretty effective. I have problems with the fic, but that piece of it feels real -- and moving. Enough years have passed that the reader wants -- feels that Doyle MUST -- move beyond this, recover, be whole/sane again.

In ‘All These Years’, Doyle’s buried past is gradually brought to the surface by the consequences of a seemingly routine op and an encounter with his artist sister. As she comes into both their lives, Doyle and Bodie have adjustments to make...Those are simply the bare bones around which this skilled storyteller draws you in and has you trusting her, even as she has you holding your breath at what she’s doing to Bodie and Doyle’s relationship. She nails emotions and character observations with audacious word choices and a kind of breathless free-flowing style, which I have no idea how to describe adequately but which I adore beyond reason. This excerpt is from the first sexual encounter between Bodie and Doyle in the story and is a great example of the way she writes. And if it all sounds like an emasculated Doyle story, it isn’t. She’s one of the few that can make him this vulnerable without doing that.

Wuss that I am, Angelfish has some fabulous stories, but I have to tread carefully. I'm not a big heart-wrenched-out-and-stomped-to-bits kind of reader. But I do love a few of her stories. She can turn a phrase and make you cry.

Very few fics have had the effect this one had on me. Took me an age to be able to reread it because when I do, it stays in my head *forever*. Truly. My favourite writer in fandom. The quote is from near the beginning, and just seems to set a lump-in-the-throat tone that never quite lets go.

God, this one just blew me away. For me it delivers on all counts: characterisation, plot, pacing and prose. And she manages what apparently is extremely difficult to do, namely writing a damaged, hurting, vulnerable Ray Doyle without emasculating him. And the ending just... Yes, that is what I imagine will happen to them in the end. Just like that.

And the first time I read All These Years, I was frankly dismayed. I get squeamish about the lads being too drastically hurt, and the damage here was clearly catastrophic. Doyle functions, but his sanity is barely held together by strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Bodie, on the other hand, is a beautiful creation -- the CI5 version of knight in shining armor. He’s tough and tender, brave and funny and strong, fiercely protective of his partner of several years. I love the partnership she illustrates -- the friendship that has seen them through good times and bad, a friendship that has slowly turned to love of a different nature while neither was looking...Despite my initial discomfort, I’ve read this story many, many times. It’s now one of my all-time favorites -- probably within the top five. Funny how that sometimes happens.

I have to admit, I couldn't get into this story at all. I loved her first story but she's gotten a bit...wordy, if you know what I mean.And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. Do people really think like that? And I'm not big on this sort of, to me, over the top angst. That she then adds a sister who is used as a substitute (can a person really fall in and out of love like that?) only made it worse. It made Bodie seem either shallow or callous.

I liked her first two stories immensely, but I was a bit gobsmacked after this one - everything seemed so much more unlikely, somehow melodramatic and over the top. Couched in pretty words, yes, but - and to go a little bit further than your comment about the driest leaves stirring etc - would the lads think like that? Obviously some people are perfectly happy with the characterisation, but while it's interesting enough in itself, I don't really see either of the lads from the eps here, and it seems unlikely to me that either would have survived such heavy emotional baggage as is portrayed to work successfully (ie, not fall asleep in trauma/fall apart in trauma/blackout etc on the job and get themselves killed) in CI5... I wanted to buy it all, but... just couldn't...

Angelfish’s third fan fiction is a harrowing and sometimes heartbreaking story of romance and recovery. Her Doyle is a survivor of appalling sexual abuse and incest. He’s suffered serious psychological damage but he’s learned to compensate so well that no one -- not even his partner and best friend -- is aware. In fact, the only person still (sort of) in his life who does know how damaged he is, is his sister Kathie -- also a survior of the same sexual and incestual abuse. Unsurprisingly, Kathie is no model of mental health herself.

So you’re probably thinking…wow, cheerful choice, Josh. Thanks!

And the first time I read All These Years, I was frankly dismayed. I get squeamish about the lads being too drastically hurt, and the damage here was clearly catastrophic. Doyle functions, but his sanity is barely held together by strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Bodie, on the other hand, is a beautiful creation -- the CI5 version of knight in shining armor. He’s tough and tender, brave and funny and strong, fiercely protective of his partner of several years. I love the partnership she illustrates -- the friendship that has seen them through good times and bad, a friendship that has slowly turned to love of a different nature while neither was looking.

And of course this transitioning love is only making matters worse for Doyle.

[excerpt from the story snipped]

Doyle and Bodie attend Kathie’s art exhibition and Bodie, who has reluctantly had to accept that the relationship he would ultimately like with Doyle is simply not possible -- that he must be content with their deep friendship and partnership -- is bowled over by this brilliant artist who has the added attraction of being very like a female version of her younger brother. Kathie is also a wonderful creation. She’s smart and strong and a survivor -- but she’s harder and more manipulative than Doyle. She’s not, by any stretch, a Mary Sue. As a reader I disliked and admired her at the same time.

Her green eyes fixed on Ray were as remote from human concern as a mountain-lion's. Jesus, Bodie thought: no wonder he was nervous. This one's big trouble, and as she came stalking through the last of the crowd, he took an unconscious step forward and left to half-shield him with his shoulder. About a yard from where they stood, she halted as if registering his signal but not his presence: her gaze was burningly focused on Doyle.

The characterizations in All These Years are very, very good. Though this Doyle is flirting with a complete breakdown, on the job and in most of the scenes where he interacts with others, he is recognizably Doyle -- tough and efficient and wryly self-aware. He recognizes he’s too damaged to give Bodie what he needs, he fights his jealousy of Bodie’s deepening relationship with Kathie, and he tries to be happy and supportive of the two people he loves best in the world, but as Bodie’s feelings for Kathie deepen and he inevitably withdraws some of his attention and companionship from his partner, Doyle slides closer and closer to the edge.

When Bodie and Kath announce their engagement matters reach crisis point.

It’s a relatively simple story from a plot standpoint, but the emotional and psychological complexity turn this into something very strong and rather unique. The writing is some of the most beautiful -- even sublime -- I’ve read in the fandom.

But Angelfish does have her weaknesses. There is a scene with Ann Holly that feels forced, and another scene with Murphy that seems to come out of nowhere. And typically she rushes endings. Here, in the climactic scene between Doyle and Bodie -- the scene we’ve waded through 230K to get to -- she gives it to us second-hand and abbreviated.

The trolley was halfway through the double doors into theatre, Doyle barely conscious from bloodloss and pre-med. The medical staff in attendance were not impressed with Bodie's timing but they were ghosts to him, voiceless, barely visible. Those who dealt with repairs to Cowley's small army on a regular basis were not deeply surprised at the big, pale man's short and unequivocal declaration, nor that it somehow brought Ray Doyle smiling back from the brink.

The first time I read it, I howled my outrage.

There are some problems with pronouns -- sometimes it’s unclear who’s speaking -- and not everyone will enjoy the omniscient POV (although I personally think it’s appropriate for fan fiction in that mirrors the camera -- and I think she handles it very well). The other problem is her inability to end the story. The final scenes of reconciliation -- the reader pay-off scenes -- are hurried, and then we have three distinct endings. Two of them are gorgeous. One of them feels tacked on -- and taught me to read fan fic endings first. A lesson I firmly adhere to.

(As a matter of fact, I chopped the final ending of All These Years off when I printed it out long ago and had pretty much forgotten about it until I started writing this summary and realized that ending might come as a jolt to some of you. So, er, sorry about that!)

Despite my initial discomfort, I’ve read this story many, many times. It’s now one of my all-time favorites -- probably within the top five. Funny how that sometimes happens. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the rec!

And what the hell is that ending for?

I really can 'see' the author 'thinking': 'What? Feeling comfortable with the fic at last? There is something I can do about it...'

LOL! But what an idea to exclude the end when you print the story! :-)

But anyway there is always that gnawing knowledge that the author had other plans. And therefore I prefer to say: They are good, they survived other ops, they will survive! There is this German proverb that says that 'damaged goods last longest'. So... ;-)

And right at the moment there is a discussion at PROSfanfic (are you still a member Josh...? ;-)) about selective perception of open endings...

I agree with 'reading ends first'.

The rest of the story I enjoyed, and will definitely read it again!

I agree with Murphy, whereas Ann wasn't such a problem for me. Maybe it should show how others were aware of the relationship between Bodie and Doyle.

One of my favourites as well! The first time I read it I remember being really impressed by the way Kathie became as real as Bodie and Doyle. Great character development and some good psychological insights into the damage that abuse can cause, even if it's a bit heavy-handed at times. I can read this fic again (not something I do often) finding different aspects to focus on and enjoy. It's quite complex and satisfyingly long. The writing is very assured with brilliant descriptions and lots of tension. I agree with the points in your review, especially in regard to Anne Holly and Murphy,but they don't spoil the story which is altogether worthwhile. I'm glad I'm still online this week and able to comment.

This story undoes me. It's one of those ones that scoured my heart out the first time I read it - and I still have to steel myself to reread it. But for all the right reasons really. Because she takes me so fully into this world of a damaged Doyle (she's one of the few who can make him this vulnerable without destroying his masculinity), and a Bodie who is, as you rightly say, absolutely magnificent in his role as lover, agent, and friend.

It's a premise few dare to take on - Bodie in love with Doyle's sister? Engaged to her? But then, that's Angelfish. She's the one who gives them children - dead and alive - wives, teaching jobs in the Hebrides, lovers who die in climbing accidents... It's always a deep breath with her to see where she'll go, but for me it's always worth it.

Though here I agree, neither the Ann Holly or Murphy inclusion work for me. The Murphy scene in particular feels unnecessary. And the ending is intense but a little confusing after the rollercoaster that built up to it.

I do love this, though. I can remember whole chunks of it because it made such a deep impressionon me the first two or three times I read it.

I have to admit, I couldn't get into this story at all. I loved her first story but she's gotten a bit...wordy, if you know what I mean. And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. Do people really think like that? And I'm not big on this sort of, to me, over the top angst. That she then adds a sister who is used as a substitute (can a person really fall in and out of love like that?) only made it worse. It made Bodie seem either shallow or callous.

This is one of the things very interesting to me -- both about fan fiction and maybe my own experience with it. On my first reading of the story, everything from the flowery language to the emotional damage Doyle had sustained really bothered me. As you say, how could he possibly function in CI5 like that? Could those cracks in his pysche possibly be healed enough for him to be one of CI5's best? (And to that, I think yes -- people have a great gift for hiding the truth from themselves and for suriving and even thriving without it).

But I did admire the writing very much, and I was so emotionally gripped (even while mentally arguing against her character reading of Doyle) that I had to read it in pieces. It felt so disturbing and intense. I was irritated and I was moved -- I wouldn't even think that combo was possible. *g*

On subsequent readings -- or maybe as I became more relaxed about AUs and different portrayals of the lads -- I was able to buy into the story dynamics. I could believe, at least for the space of this story, in this particular Doyle (for me, her Bodie is right on target). And I was able to go along with this idea that until Kathie's invitation, until he became aware that Bodie loved him, Doyle was okay. Once Kathie returned, forcing him to confront old memories -- and his own desire for Bodie put him in conflict with the harm that had been done to him -- he began to unravel (blackouts, etc).

I suppose part of this is the willingness to believe. Because I've read other stories where Doyle has been abused -- even from quite good writers -- and they never convinced me, nor moved me. I do not see that in Doyle of canon. At all. Yet for some reason, Angelfish convinced me to go along with it in this story.

I've read it a few times, because I really do want to like it more than I do, and I agree that the writing's good, and powerful and there's a nice build up of atmosphere and emotion and so on - it just doesn't seem like the lads somehow... I'd probably need to read it again to put my finger more firmly on why (it's probably a bit unfair of me to have joined in the discussion when I've not had a chance to read it recently), but...

I can absolutely go along with the idea that Doyle was somehow abused as a youngster - that temper of his comes from somewhere (although of course it doesn't necessarily follow!) - but... it's something about the way it manifests, or the way he handles it or soemthing... But we all have our own readings of the lads, so what's true to one person is bound to seem wrong to another, and I guess that's what's happening here...

I think my ultimate Doyle-psychologically-damaged story is probably Heat-Trace, which I think is brilliantly done - and even though it's actually an AU I think HR has captured Doyle and what his reactions would be all the way... The sense of heavy melancholy and foreboding that runs through it works better for me than Angelfish's verging-on-melodrama atmosphere too - absolutely as powerful, but somehow not so over the top to me...

"All these years" is not a favourite of mine, though I see that it is powerful stuff. I read it a couple of years ago and have not read it again until this rec but find I still don't enjoy it. This Doyle is just too damaged for me, in such a way that I find it difficult to imagine that he will ever be able to sustain a real relationship with anyone, not even Bodie. And we do want to finish any story with that hope, I think. And Bodie is too perfectly able to cope with both damaged Doyle and damaged Kathie, let alone the two together.

I began reading this story.. but I just never got into it... I just couldn't understand it... I dunno why... If it's the language, the way Angelfish use the words or something else... *shrug*

Angelfish is one of my absolute fave authors in Pros and Far Shore one of my top 3 Pros fics. I think her wordcraft is simply breathtakingly beautiful. That being said, this is my [least] favorite of all her stories. I read it once years ago and haven't returned to it, so I'm writing this from somewhat distant memories. The emotional impact is incredibly intense and the writing beautiful as ever, but I don't like the story line at all. I just don't want to see my Bodie or Doyle in love with another character, particularly a woman. As good an OC Kathie is, too much time is spent on her. I just don't want that in my Pros fic. I can take D's mourning for a dead lover (Chances) a lot easier than I can this situation. I'm not sure about D being able to function in CI5 or as a cop after having endured what he endured. I also found the ending way too rushed, much more so than in her other works, and the scene I most wanted to see missing.