Solemn Vespers by Sister Squat

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Title: Solemn Vespers by Sister Squat
Creator: Sister Squat
Date(s): July/August 1998
Medium: online
Fandom: The X-Files
External Links: News for the OBSSEsed: July/August 1998, Archived version
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Solemn Vespers by Sister Squat is a 1998 X-Files fanwork.

Solemn Vespers is modeled after the evening prayer service called Vespers (sometimes called evensong) in the Orthodox, Roman Catholic and Eastern Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, and some Protestant denominations (such as the Presbyterian Church and Seventh-day Adventists) liturgies of the canonical hours.

The fanwork was posted in News for the OBSSEsed #17, an X-Files newsletter published by Order of the Blessed Saint Scully the Enigmatic, a fan community that humorously modeled itself after Roman Catholic religious orders.

It includes "liturgy" and music -- The music are filks: "Sister Autumn reads from the Book of OBSSE Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-Eight..." -- SCULLYRITAVILLE by Sister Squat (with apologies to Jimmy Buffett), DAMMIT, I'M FINE by Sister Lens (to the tune of "Closer to Fine," with apologies to the Indigo Girls), HIS CRAP WILL GO ON by Sister Jezebel (with apologies to James Horner and Will Jennings, but NOT Celine Dion), FAITH by Sister Squat (with *no* apologies to George Michael), ALIEN RHAPSODY by Brother Colin (with apologies to Queen)."

"EDITOR'S NOTE: Never let it be said that the OBSSE skimps when it comes to our religious responsibilities. Although it may have been Fest, the OBSSE Brethren and Sistren dutifully went about their morning and evening vespers with great...uh...fervor. Here now is a snippet of one such solemn occasion. Please note that the Holy Hymns, which are presented only in part below, will appear in their totality soon on the OBSSE web site. Thanks to Sisters Jezebel, Squat, Lens, and Brother Colin for their development. Please, bow your heads and pray..."


"Sister Autumn reads from the Book of OBSSE, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-Eight"

9 And Saint Scully raised Her cell phone up on high, saying, "O Carter, bless this mine cell phone that with it I mayest cut Mulder off on a regular basis and verily annoy him, in thy mercy."

10 And the Carter did grin, and the People did feast upon the heaping plates of veggies and cheese and chips and dip, though verily they had already feasted at Threadgills World Headquarters and The County Line and The Brick Oven, and didst they partake also of copious amounts of Shiner Bock and some weird beer and tequila concoction and other drinks of tequila, and indulge in videos and non-existent not-gag reels and not-outtakes of The Show Which Hath No Peer.

11 Then did Saint Scully raise up Her very large flashlight that it may also be blessed, saying, "O Carter, bless this mine very large flashlight that it never go out, that its batteries just keep going and going, that it never be dropped, lost, or damaged, and that with it I might smite Mulder about the head a bit, that some sense be knocked therein."

12 And the Carter did chuckle, and the People didst repeatedly flock to see The Movie Which Hath No Peer, and throng to toy stores to buy action figures, and to Suncoast to purchase the very last X-Files movie t-shirt and baseball cap and stainless steel thermal coffee mug and Official Movie Magazine and token South Park note pad with which to appease a sibling back home to the tune of major bucks plus tax.

13 And the Carter spake, saying, "Nice try, Saint Scully. For thou art with angst and so shalt thou ever be, that ratings be boosted higher and higher, particularly during sweeps week." And verily did Saint Scully become pissed off.

[snipped filk: Hymn: Scullyritaville by Sister Squat]

14 And so it came to pass that Saint Scully developed a skin of great thickness, to cast away the blows which the Carter visited upon Her that She may be struck down.

15 And behold, abduction destroyeth Her not, nor pestilence, nor machinations of the Syndicate, nor endless slide shows, nor ditching, nor infection with viruses, nor being dipped in goop and displayed naked in an alien grocer's freezer section, nor loss of Emily who might have been the fruit of Her loins if She was actually allowed to get any (and if She were not made also barren by abduction, see above). Yea, verily, She is fine. Dammit.

[filk]: Hymn: Dammit, I'm Fine by Sister Lens (to the tune of "Closer to Fine," with apologies to the Indigo Girls)

Can't quite figure out what's happened to my life.
Before I met him it was boring, but without strife.
Now it's abduction, coma, cellular abnormality
Not to mention mind control through my TV.
But hey, I'm fine, after all.
I've got a partner with a streak of self-obsession.
For Mulder I've put my ass on the line.
Jail, exploding bodies, frozen ova,
My one child was a Millenium left-over.
Did I mention that I'm fine?
I became a doctor, I went down to DC.
They stuck me in the basement, with that psycho who works with me.
Now there's only one answer to this question
That he's always asking me.
Through tumors, fam'ly deaths, rampant psycopathy--
I told you I'm fiiiiiiiine (yeah).
Dammit, Mulder, I'm Fine.

[snipped liturgy]

[snipped filk]: Hymn: His Crap Will Go On by Sister Jezebel (with apologies to James Horner and Will Jennings, but NOT Celine Dion)

[snipped liturgy]

[snipped filk]: Hymns: Faith by Sister Squat (with *no* apologies to George Michael)

[snipped filk]: Scully G-Woman by Sister Lens (With apologies to Johnny Rivers)

24 And the Carter ROTFLHAO, because he knew that pretty much regardless of what he did, it maketh for great box office and inaugural Season Six ratings. And the People ate it up by the bucketful, and imbibed, and feasted, and fested, and shopped, and invested inordinate amounts of time and cash and bandwidth to rejoice and worship in Her glory.

25 Still yet the People were troubled, and they did tally up times Mulder the Demon was made victim and compareth it to times Saint Scully was so victimized, and when the tallies worked out to about the same, did they then argue about who hath suffered the most in a qualitative sense. And did they point and accuse the Carter of being misogynistic whilst at the same time agreeing that Saint Scully was verily the most kick-ass female character to have ever graced a television screen.

26 And it was during these times that the Carter still messed with the mytharc and the heads of the People in spades. And the People did grin and clamor for more. And still did Saint Scully and Her followers keep a tally of Her misfortunes (which did not yet destroy Her, but did still make Her stronger and more kick-ass than ever, go figureth).

[filk]: (Hymn: Alien Rhapsody by Brother Colin (with apologies to Queen)


Is this my real life? Is this just lunacy?
Dead mutants alive, Mulder's chasing an E.B.E.


Open your eyes, look up to the skies
And see...


I'm just a poor boy, lusting for Ms. Scully
Because she's really short, really cute,
Ah Scully! What a beaut!


Everything that PUNK does,
Doesn't really matter to me...


Mulder, just met a man.
Got a tattoo on my butt,
Went back to his home to rut.
But Mulder, I had just begun,
When Ed Jerse rolled over and went to sleep.


Scully! ooo-ooooh!
I don't have a life!
Sometimes wish I'd hit on you years ago...

27 And in the fullness of time it came to pass that after reviewing Her trials and misfortunes that Saint Scully did receive an epiphany of sorts about the Carter. And thus being fed up, did Saint Scully take up Her very large flashlight and smite the Carter about the head a bit, that some sense might be knocked therein.

28 And the People rejoiced, and imbibed, and feasted, and fested, and shopped, and debated, and fiddled with action figures, and saw The Movie Which Hath No Peer repeatedly, and looked forward to Season Six.

Thus endeth the Lesson.