Dancing Penises

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screencap of the Dancing Penises skit as recorded by Kandy Fong
photo from a fan calendar, creator and photographer unknown
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Contents

Dancing Penises was a convention skit celebrating/satirizing K/S slash fan fiction. It was performed originally at one of the IDICons by Kandy Fong and her friends: PJ, Carol D., and Donna. It was repeated at the last IDICon in 1986 and then recreated/remixed at The K/S Press room party at Shore Leave 1997. There were photos of this event in The K/S Press #13 and a video of the skit was shown at one of the Revelcons.[1]

A video of this skit was available on the first tape in The K/S Press Songtapes.

In Their Own Words

See IDICon and 4-Play Con: An Interview with Kandy F. and Marnie S.

In Legacy, Kandy Fong details the history of the skit. It is reposted here with additional edits by Kandy Fong:

"None of us were very good singers, and heaven forbid, we couldn’t dance, so we sat around drinking this bottle of really bad wine, and I said, why don’t we reduce it to the basic elements, just two penises, right? So I sat down and edited some songs together on my little tape recorder and I went to a sofa factory place and told them I wanted to make mushroom costumes, so I needed big pieces of foam. Carol D. was a genius with a sewing machine. So we did various things. For Kirk, of course, he was pink, and we had these fuzzy yellow pipe cleaners. Spock, of course, was mint green, and he had fuzzy black pipe cleaners. This was big enough for a woman to wear. The cone part fits on her head. I hollowed out a little hole, and she has to hang onto it under the costume. They couldn’t see out. They could see down to the ground, they could see to walk off the stage, but they couldn’t see what was there. The Spock costume had double ridges (inspired by Gayle's art) The heads were carved foam, the shaft fabric. Both costumes had inflatable beach balls covered with the fabric as the balls. Spock's were 'internal" until he saw Kirk coming towards him.
So we fly in to Houston and it’s very late at night and there were no taxis except for one guy who looked really scuzzy. And we had shipped these things inside a big refrigerator box on the plane to get them there. The shaft was fabric & the balls could deflate, but the heads were solid foam covered in fabric & they were huge. And he said, I can’t get that in my cab, lady. And I said, okay, fine, so we’re taking these out and putting them into the trunk of the car. So we get to the hotel and it’s late nigh...okay, fine, I sling them over my shoulder and I march up to the front desk and I get my room, with this big penis costume hanging over my shoulder.
So we go onstage and thank goodness Dixie had a camera, and she actually taped it. It starts off with Spock just lying crumpled in the center of the stage and the music is, “I am a rock, I am an island.” And he’s crumpled in on himself. And all of a sudden you hear “Macho Man.” And out comes Kirk, bouncing out onto the stage, and Spock does this “huuuuhhh?” and “looks” over at Kirk, and there’s the “I want to want you, I want you to want me” kind of thing, and they’re kind of rubbing up against each other. And then they get fully erect, both of them and we started doing the “1812 Overture,” and they’re banging against each other and at the end they do the big cannon thing and I grab a double handful of clear candy which I throw up in the air, and then they collapse upon each other.
From a 2012 interview with Kandy Fong and Marnie S:

KF: But at any rate, what happened then in Phoenix, of course, was we had three years now of us all getting together, of us having this wonderful entertainment—

MS: Oh yeah, the entertainment got more elaborate each year. By the third year, Lezlie and Cynthia had done a takeoff — a filk version — of—

KS: (unintelligible)

MS: 1776—

KS: Oh, yeah.

MS: —and then what they did was that— was based on the fan wars. Which had broken out because all the new fandoms were cropping up like crazy, and there were opposing camps: The Starsky and Hutch people versus the Pros people versus the original Trekkers, and back and forth and this and that. And so, we did a whole opera on them. I have most of that on tape that Dixie made, and the year before that was when we did the Ghostbusters one.

KS: Yeah, and then you did the—

MS: With the Vulcan Vestal Virgins.

KS: Yes. (laughter)

KS: Yes, and the—

MS: And the deely-boppers— And we took that on the road to Camp Con (Space Trek?) the year— prior to that, we tried out some of the songs.

KF: Well, four of us in Phoenix saw that. And, it was PJ, Carol, Donna and I, and thought, well they are so wonderfully entertaining to us, we have to do something back for them. But, y'know, we're really not singers, we're really not dancers, what can we do? So we sat around with a bottle of wine cooler. And, I don't drink, and I said, well, how about if we distill down the basis of the cock of the, ahum, Kirk and Spock— (laughter)

KF, MS: —Freudian slip, Freudian slip! (laughter)

KF: Yes, ah, down to their basics, and how 'bout if we do a cock show? And—

MS: I have that on tape, too.

KF: I have it too. Luckily Dixie Owen would come with her video machine, and I ended up putting together a video from the two years. But the first year we ended up going there, and we had a huge seven-foot, and a six-foot cock. Kirk of course was a little shorter and thicker, Spock was taller and thinner—

MS: Was very green—

KF: —very green with two, with a double ridge on the top. What we did basically is, we took this foam that was used in couch cushions, very dense foam, and we'd sculpt it with an electric knife—

MS: Electric knife— (laughter and coughing)

KF: —so that we had the proper shapes. Carol, who—a little insider—ended up working doing the— In the beginning, for the Barney TV show? She actually did the animals and things and the costumes for Barney. Anyhow, she was our designer who—

MS: (laughter) Sorry.

KF: —made the fabric that came down from the head all the way down— And then for the balls, we're thinking, "Well what are we going to use?" And I said, "Well, listen, we gotta carry 'em on the plane. How about if we use beach balls covered in fabric, 'cause then we can deflate them."

MS: Yes.

KF: And then of course we had pipe cleaners for the hair and furry bits.

MS: I remember when you brought them. Oh my god.

KF: And we figure, so we— And I put together a list of songs, and we had little snippets of songs. We started out on the stage with Spock all kind of bent over and just kinda hunched. And he had the little song, y'know, "I am a rock, I am an island." And of course you hear from off-stage the signs of "Macho Man."

All: (laughter) (indistinguishable shouts)

KF: —Pick one—

MS: "Macho, macho man"—

KF: —and on the stage Spock goes "Huuunh?" and immediately his two balls come out— (squeals) —yeah, from underneath—

MS: —from underneath, boing!

KF: —and his head starts coming up a little bit, and coming up a little bit, and then the Matt Davis song, "I want you to want me, I want you to need me."

MS: The entire auditorium was in hysterical—

KF: And then of course the finale is the 1812 Overture climax with the cannons going off!

MS: Complete with, was it—

KF: It was, it was—

MS: —did you use confetti that time?

KF: No, it was white candies wrapped in plas— in cellophane which I then threw up by the handfuls for—

MS: Yeah. Woooo! Multiple overlapping voices: —for the climax.

KF: For the climax, yeah. And, the audience was hysterical.

MS: Oh my god.

KF: I mean, here she is, taping in the front row, and you can barely hear— you can't hear the music on the original tapes—

MS: No, 'cause everybody was laughing so doggone hard—

KF: —so when I, so we did that—

MS: —it was just tears running down your face by the time it's done.

KF: We did it the third year, and then there was this break in Phoenix—

MS: —and the one in Phoenix—

KF: And then— No, we didn't do it in Phoenix.

MS: Yeah you did!

KF: No—

MS: You did it for us in Phoenix, you sure did.

KF: Okay. I don't remember that.

MS: Yes. (laughter)

KF: We did it, and did a repeat in Houston, for their—

MS: Yeah. 'Cause you did it at "Foreplay and Beyond," and then you did it again—

KF: ’Cause you guys just wanted it so badly, so much. [2]

Transporting the Props

From a 2012 interview with Kandy Fong and Marnie S:

KF: Now, of course the four of us are flying in from Phoenix to Houston, because it's a long, long drive.

MS: (giggling throughout KF's speech below)

KF: And, they put these things in refrigerator box, okay, 'cause they're— I mean those foam is just—

MS: Can you imagine trying to get that through today, through the Homeland Security and the TSA? (laughter)

KF: So you have them in this huge refrigerator box, and we've got into Houston, and it's the last— it's at night, and the airport's closing down. The taxi guy goes, "Lady, I can't get that in my car." You think, "Okay, fine," so we open it up and take them out— (laughter) —and we put them in the car— in there with us. We don't want to put them in the trunk where they'll get dirty.

MS: Yeah.

KF: The last thing we need is dirty cocks. (laughter)

MS: Like they're not dirty enough already.

KF: So we get to the hotel, we're gonna go head in, so what— I just had to be brave. I just take it and sling it over my shoulder— (laughter) —walk up to the desk, and check into the hotel.

MS: Yes!

KF: "What am I carrying? I'm not carrying anything." (laughter) "Oh this? This old thing. Just found that in a closet." What the heck. [3]

How Fans Remember It

From The K/S Press #4 (1996):
"At the last Shore Leave con several of us sat at the feet of a long-time Trekker who told us how things were at the old K/S cons 'back at the time of the beginning.' One of the acts performed involved lovingly colored penis suits (one in daring dusky rose, one in ever popular, enticing olive) interacting in a lively dance set to music no less, until both the dance and the penises came to a logical climax."
A year later, fans decided to create their own Dancing Penis skit. From The K/S Press #12 (1997):
"...the highlight of the evening had to be the famous "Dancing Penises"! This was an idea from what had been performed at a K/S con many years ago. Actually, this time, the idea came from CD (she's extremely modest) and she put in so much work, it was amazing. This woman designed and sewed these enormous costumes all herself, fitted them to the players, made the accompanying music tape, rehearsed and choreographed. She is simply an amazing woman. The show was hilarious. [name redacted] played Kirk's penis and her entrance was funny and scary as she knocked over a large screen on her way to Spock's penis, played by [name redacted]. Just the sight of this giant pink penis bouncing in to strains of "Macho Man" brought the house down. And the giant double-ridged penis, sitting sadly by itself to the music of "I Am A Rock" was so funny. But the best part was their excited erections and climaxes to the tune of "The 1812 Overture"! Mere words cannot describe how funny this all was. These two huge writhing, erect and rampant penises dancing around was a sight to behold. Brava to CD! I wish I could tell you her name because she deserves to be honored for all that hard work. But most of you know of whom we speak. But two more Brava's go to [two names redacted] — who bemoaned their fate at having been volunteered to do this and who sweated inside the hot costumes and got a case of stage-nerves before showtime and who performed (so-to-speak) beautifully!"
In The K/S Press #13, another fan remembers:
"Nobody so far has mentioned the technical glitch that marked the opening of the DP skit. We had to ask everybody to close their eyes while the organs in question got into position, then we were going to start the tape with the music. But the music wasn’t cued properly, and everybody was really understanding, and in the dark, while we fixed the problem... The skit opened to I Am a Rock by Simon and Garfunkel, while Spock drooped with disinterested unhappiness. Then Kirk entered, all jauntiness, to The Village People’s Macho Man. Nobody struts and turns those jaunty shoulders like [name redacted] does! And hey, guess what, Spock perked up a little! Then the guys swayed next to one another during Bread’s Baby I’ma Want You, occasionally rubbing, ah, heads and otherwise expressing the highest of emotions. This produced considerable interest and an expansion in length and energized movement during Let’s Get Physical. Finally, the event reached the heights, and its most logical conclusion, during The War of 1812 Overture."
In 1996, Sandy Herrold posted the following to the Virgule-L mailing list:
"Morgan Dawn is visiting, and we're having a lovely time with her. What does that have to do with the subject line, I hear you ask? Well, we got out some old songvid tapes last night, and watched, for the first time in ages, the Dancing Cocks of Revelcon.
Two fans in body-sized cock costumes, one flesh colored, one green (of course), to appropriate music (like "Physical") ending in some classical piece with a wonderful, shall I say, climax, ending with them crumpling around each other sated (and doubtless exhausted in the heavy costumes). It is absolutely hilarious, and other good example of how as fans we are so good at entertaining each other when we try."

Dancing penises -- probably not fandom-related -- made national news headlines in the spring of 2012.[4]

20+ Years Later

After the creation of this Fanlore page, the image of the Dancing Penises continued to circulate to a new generation of fans.

In 2012, a French Kirk/Spock website translated this Fanlore page into French.[5] The skit was recreated at the K/S Press Party at Shore Leave in August 2012.[6] The skit was repeated at Kiscon 2013.

In 2013, a tumblr user zombiewretch reblogged the above screencap adding:
"SOMEONE WENT TO A STAR TREK CONVENTION IN THE 1980’S AS SPOCK AND KIRK’S PENISES I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. THEY PERFORMED SPIRK THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE."[7]
teddybearsandspaceships' response:
"Fyi, Fanlore has several detailed descriptions of the Dancing Penises. Reason #2435 why Fanlore is awesome."[8]
In 2014, twitter user Melissa tweeted:
"Scrap all other Cosplay ideas we had. We're doing thissssss..."[9]

References

  1. Kandy Fong's notes dated April 14, 2011: "I edited together Dixie's tapes of the two presentations that were done at the two IDICons (repeated by popular demand). That was the tape shown at Revelcon. The skit at the K/S con was done with the original costumes and music, but different actors.
  2. from Media Fandom Oral History Project Interview with Kandy Fong and Marnie S
  3. from Media Fandom Oral History Project Interview with Kandy Fong and Marnie S
  4. On April 16-20, 2012, the U.S. Government's House of Representatives held hearings about wasteful spending by the General Services Administration. These had to do with a 2010 GSA gathering outside Las Vegas that was the subject of a recent inspector general report on excessive spending. (Joe Davidson, GSA scandal hearings scheduled for this week. Washington Post, 2012-04-16, page found 2012-05-06.) During the hearings, a woman from the ultra-conservative Traditional Values Coalition claimed she had news releases with even more scandalous government expenditures. She said "the $800,000 of waste found on a Las Vegas conference pales in comparison to the funding of government porn, dancing penises, gay circuit parties, the study of 14-year-old prostitutes in China, collecting and reading the sex diaries of teenage boys. … What National Institutes of Health is spending money on would make a Vegas showgirl blush." When called for a followup, the TVC said they would be releasing more information along with pictures. The NIH said they had no idea what the TVC were talking about. (Dana Milbank, It's not so secret what kind of service this federal agency seeks. Sacramento Bee, April 19, 2012, page found 2012-05-06.)
  5. Les pénis dansants (accessed Jan 11, 2013); reference link.
  6. Public Facebook post at Kirk/Spock- Poetic/Slash/Art dated Oct 12, 2012.
  7. Someone Went To A Star Trek Convention post dated June 20, 2013; reference link. By Jan 2014, the post had been liked or reblogged on tumblr almost 10,000 times.
  8. Tumblr response dated Oct 2013. Link goes to a longer tumblr thread including teddybearsandspaceships' response; reference link.
  9. Scrap All Other tweet by melooza1 dated Jan 11, 2014; reference link.
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